I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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