all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
