I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
