so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
