My hair reeks of homosexuality.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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