Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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