Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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