I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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