my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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