its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We're too hungover to prance.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
