Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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