i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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