wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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