The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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