I puked a lego.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
