I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
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