I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
