Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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