I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my sisters under your porch take her home
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
