I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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