Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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