speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
