so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
