Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Randomize
