Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
