Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
