I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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