you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
