I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
