you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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