why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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