Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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