when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
