I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
