omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
