Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
