Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
