Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
