Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize