1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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