He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
