my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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