ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I could fuck to npr.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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