Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
