Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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