I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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