dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
