You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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