I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
We need a shit load of segways right now
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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