Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
