oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize