20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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