her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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