On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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