i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
