your parents love me but you hate me
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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