I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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