Someone shit on the floor
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
