I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
