if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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