If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
