A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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