Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
