grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
